My car’s front bumper is held up by five pipe cleaners: three green, two purple
My shower curtain is held up by duck tape
Even if I could afford it, I don’t even know what phrase to search to find the little plastic things I need
My bank account stays in low cash mode
I shopped at HEB for three hours without buying anything because their AC works
These are the same clothes I worse yesterday but I did spritz them with Febreeze and lay them on my couch before going to bed
And if you heard that and thought, “Why didn’t you at least hang them up in your closet?”
Then allow me to congratulate you on getting to own clothing hangers
Moving day at the nearby college dorm is where I snagged my coffee table and three dining chairs
Two of which actually match
No, I don’t own a dining table
My lunch was made entirely of Costco samples
The trick is to approach someone and ask them for the time while they’re flashing their membership card so it looks like you’re coming in with them
My sink would be full of dirty dishes were I not eating exclusively from paper plates
I ate my morning cereal with an ice cream scoop because I’ve run out of plastic spoons and I’m just standing here
Staring at my front door
I can’t open it
It’s locked from the inside
And if you heard that and thought, “Why don’t you just order some real spoons online?”
Then allow me to congratulate you on leading such a charmed life that you don’t understand this poem