So Adult, Much Mature

My car’s front bumper is held up by five pipe cleaners: three green, two purple

My shower curtain is held up by duck tape

Even if I could afford it, I don’t even know what phrase to search to find the little plastic things I need

My bank account stays in low cash mode

I shopped at HEB for three hours without buying anything because their AC works

These are the same clothes I worse yesterday but I did spritz them with Febreeze and lay them on my couch before going to bed

And if you heard that and thought, “Why didn’t you at least hang them up in your closet?”

Then allow me to congratulate you on getting to own clothing hangers

Moving day at the nearby college dorm is where I snagged my coffee table and three dining chairs

Two of which actually match

No, I don’t own a dining table

My lunch was made entirely of Costco samples

The trick is to approach someone and ask them for the time while they’re flashing their membership card so it looks like you’re coming in with them

My sink would be full of dirty dishes were I not eating exclusively from paper plates

I ate my morning cereal with an ice cream scoop because I’ve run out of plastic spoons and I’m just standing here

Staring at my front door

I can’t open it

It’s locked from the inside

And if you heard that and thought, “Why don’t you just order some real spoons online?”

Then allow me to congratulate you on leading such a charmed life that you don’t understand this poem