Super Neurotic

I watched a movie about a hard-working immigrant who does a ton of good for his community, the world really

But there was a crazy billionaire who just wanted to give him shit and tear down everything he accomplished

I think it was called Superman 8

This led me to an epiphany: I have come to the realization that I myself have special powers

For I am Super Neurotic

Since I can basically read minds, I know what you're thinking: “That’s so unrealistic; there’s so many things you don't have the power to control”

It is precisely because I lack a tether to your mundane notions of “reality” that I am no longer burdened by the tedious distinction between things which I can and things which I cannot control

That lack of limitations allows me access to a lot of superpowers including, but not limited to:

The ability to literally control the weather

On one end of the extreme, if you fuck around then you will find me leaving your ass out in a chilling blizzard

At the complete opposite end of the thermostat, if you get me on stage then I have been known to turn up the heat from time to time

In the middle, the high pressure and hot air collide to form a twister that scoops me up and drops me at a Twin Liquors where I will make it rain two fifths of reasonably-priced vodka

And this feeds directly into my superstrength

My ability to get super wasted and lay super waste to everything around me in the blink of an eye

I can, have, and will likely again demolish bridges that took years to build with just the flick of my wrist

I can also turn invisible

This explains my ability to stay superstrong for so superlong without anyone taking super notice

But I can also disappear in a crowd full of people and just silently watch as a dozen distinct conversations take place in, around, or through me without anyone looking at me to see if I’m even still nodding along

Tangentially related to yet distinctly different from my power of invisibility is my incorporeal nature

I have the ability to take an almost mist-like form

If you ever say anything to me that’s just like a little bit off or maybe you just don't laugh at my very smart and very handsome references

Then I will race with superspeed to the conclusion that you must hate my guts and never want to see or talk to me again

As a consequence, I will use that as a pretense to pre-emptively ghost you so hard you’ll think that I phase shifted into a different reality altogether Speaking of different realities, my supersmarts gives me access to the multiverse

I can imagine a million different scenarios playing out simultaneously

Most of them bad

I will choose which scenarios need more in-depth analysis by assigning them ranked probabilities

Most of them bad

That extra intel will then form the basis of the decisions that I ultimately make

Most of them bad

My supersmarts also acts as a de facto superhearing

I will imagine every conversation you will ever have about me behind me back even before you have it

Actually, especially before you have it and even if you did have it, then it wouldn’t matter

I am completely invulnerable to all forms of external damage

It is insane, like diagnosably insane, the ability I have to prevent everyone, everywhere, at all times from ever touching, affecting, or impacting me

I cannot tell you the number of people who have expressed envy for this ability

I can tell you the exact number of mental health professionals who have told me that this is an alarming level of disassociation for which they have pleaded with me to seek more specialized care

The joke’s on them, though, because in nine fractals of the multiverse I have sought that specialized care

In six of those instances it didn’t work out exactly the way I wanted it to

That really just goes to show that you can’t expect the neuro-power-typicals to ever understand someone like me

What about less conventional powers like Time travel?

Actually, I don’t want that power anymore

I’ve been digging through my past one sediment layer at a time

Every artifact I come across is just another reminder that ain’t shit back there for me

Or rather, ancient shit ain’t for me, at least not anymore

Nah fuck time travel; yall can keep that one

But I do wanna brag about my web-slinging and wall-crawling

I spin such complicated webs that it’ll take a 12th level intellect to unweave

(Intellect levels max out at 15.00 and I am currently a 13.29 and please don’t round that up to a 10.3 as doing so would be uncouth)

And my wall-crawling has led to countless sleepless nights pacing up and down my own ceiling

Inverted and obsessing over seven words spoken to me earlier that day

Or more crucially four words that I didn’t say to someone 17 years ago

When literally every physical force in the world and every synaptic neuron in my brain is firing on all cylinders, just screaming at me

"David, just let it go! Please just let it fucking go already!”

But I don’t let it go; I won’t let it go; I can’t let it go; I cling. For I am Super Neurotic.

Can I be super honest with you right now?

It is super exhausting juggling all these superpowers

But it’s not all bad

Honest

They’re not all double-edged sword, do more harm than good type powers

If it weren’t for my superhuman stamina and my advanced healing factor, I might have thrown in the towel about two years ago

But I didn’t; I didn't

I stuck it out and I kept fighting

I wasn't fighting for everyone around me; I wasn't fighting to save the world; I was finally fighting to save myself

I punched my way through to the other side

And when I got there, I started learning how not just to hone, but to reframe, reshape, and redirect my super powers

I even picked some new ones

Ones that I was almost ready to give up on

And I will be the first to tell you that I haven't mastered them but they are still my favoritest, newest super powers

When I'm at Every Word, I call it “pyrokinesis”, because I will always bring that fire!

When I'm at Riches, I call it “gravity manipulation”, because I will always bring em up, bring em up, bring em up!

When I'm at Austin Poetry Slam, I call myself the all fucking gas no fucking brakes sonic juggernaut

I am currently single

Yes, I know, I’m reading your minds again and you’re shocked

What I really mean is that I currently don’t have a Venom-style alien symbiote implanted

But I’ve never been known to turn away from co-dependency

So hit me up and let’s trade traumas

Tell me something deeply, upsettingly personal and I will reciprocate without one-upping you

Even though I have all the superpowers, I still just want to be the sidekick in this situationship

Please spare me the Batman and Robin jokes because I’m really looking to be the Silver Surfer to your Galactus

If you don’t understand that then don’t worry

I will spend 45 minutes explaining it to you, especially if you only use non-verbal cues to tell me not to

For I am Super Neurotic

These are some alternate powers that I couldn't really flesh out so they don't fit in the main cannon

Shapeshifting (contort to whatever the space around me demands, too close to invisibility I think)

Superstretching (take any position I need to win an argument or people-please, kinda a stretch in and of itself if I'm being honest)

Omnipresence (act like I know everything everyone has already said) too similar to supersmarts and superhearing

Ice Manipulation is typically a retaliatory tactic but nothing can truly preclude pre-emption. Any marked lack of enthusiasm for my very clever and handsome jokes will result in the cold shoulder like you have never heard (too similar to weather control and intangibility)

Healing Factor (going to work with a hangover like ain't shit happen)

Super Stamina (playing video games for 20 hours straight)

Now, I can’t claim sole credit for my powers of Mind Control because that’s clearly bestowed on me by an inequal society. And when I say bestowed I of course mean that I was brainwashed into a cult and made to perpetuate those inequities and it was kinda sort left up to me to realize that and start deprogramming myself.

Invincibility (win every argument because I make everyone else give up)